a good hurt

“most dreams die a slow death.they’re conceived in a moment of passion,with the prospect of endless possibilities,but often languish and are not pursued with the same heartfelt intensity as when first born.slowly,subtly,a dream becomes elusive and ephemeral….”- dean karnazes,ultramarathoner

i dreamed of running the tnf100 solo,supposedly my 1st ultramarathon on trail.here is my story.

on may 23 at 4:00am at the clark expo grounds which served as the tnf base camp,i started my pursuit for that other half of my ultra dream-the ultra trail.not even the pain of my 1st road ultra at bdm last april would prevent me from going after tnf.

slowly but surely,i made my way together with my solo buddies,arman and isko.and my relay friends jay,dess and mitch.it was an uneventful run up until sacobia bridge  where we finally hit trail by running under the bridge and had a taste of the lahar grounds.i felt good running on soft ground.the riverbeds which i was expecting to have flowing water were mostly dry.a good sign i thought.

this was not to be.after about 5k of running on dry ground.i came upon the 1st river crossing and as planned,i changed to my sandals if only to preserved my feet from blisters early on.those sandals alone were such a burden to carry but i wanted to be safe than sorry.and so i crossed my 1st watery riverbed then after a few minutes decided to slip back to my trail shoes thinking that the next river crossing would be far enough.no sooner,another river crosing loomed but having sensed that i have lost too much time changing footwear,i just decided to cross the river head-on.no more switching of footwear.and for the rest of the route,that was what i did.

everything was going well according to pace plan and all until i reached the haduan section.we were forewarned by race organizers and friends about the difficulty of running this area.in fact,the 2nd loop for the 10k relay would skip this area because of the dangers it would present if ran during nightfall.true enough, this is where i encountered ascents and descents that i haven’t really done in a long,long time.it took so much out of me that i could almost hear my heart beat.my chest was pounding and i was sweating like crazy.no way i could run this part.the walking surely has began.

in haduan,i finally reached a small community of aetas who were kind enough to show me the directions and soon i was back on river bed where the hanging bridge was.along various points in this section,marshals would check my number and log my name for recording.i thought that the hardest part was over.

from the river bed,i made my way up again towards as1 and as2 way up there i don’t really know where.still in the company of arman,jay and isko,i tackled the trails with gusto,no doubt aided by a caffeine drink that kept me energized.i felt good doing the race so far.i witnessed a beautiful sunrise and the view of arayat from where i was doing the trail.isko would pace the group and as i would find out later,isko is or was a mountainclimber before he switched to running.he has done mt. apo and all the challenging peaks around the country.and so,i entrusted the pacing and all to him.on parts where he slowed,i did.and on parts he would run,i did too.or at least i tried.

finally,i had my real 1st break at as2 which according to the map published by tnf was at km19.here,i was able to refill my bladder and take in some crackers.along the way,i was wondering when the uphills would stop.i wrongly thought that haduan was it as i was told.there were more climbs and descents more than i would care to count at this point.i was beginning to tire out.the climbs seemed endless.not that the descents were relaxing anyway.my knees were pounded just as hard as the climbs.

and there were the seemingly endless river crossings too.time and again,when things started to dry up,a waterway would beckon.no choice but just forge on with shoes on.

at one point,i chanced upon a small upland community and i was surprised to find out that this was sto nino,bamban,tarlac.i was lucky to find a sari-sari store which not only offered cold drinks but also had cooked rice(never mind if it was burnt) and sardines that really tasted like heaven. and  free mongo to boot.at this point,any home-cooked food certainly tasted better than all the laboratory-made stuff  i was ramming down my mouth.ripe mango was good for 5 bucks per and 4 ripe papayas at 20 pesos.not bad.the joy of living in the country side.the lady of the house was gracious to a fault and was aptly named mercy.my companions left 200 pesos for her to prepare food for our return trip that same day.

walked more i did.till i got to that climb just before as3.boy,was that a climb!i would take 5 steps and stop.another 5 then stop.3 then stop.mercifully,there was a rope to cling on to but the end of the rope offered no relief.there were still a few meters left to climb.and again.and again.till mp.

after checking in at as3,i made my way towards as4,supposedly a mere 3-4k away.that seemed eternity.for that matter,all the kilometer signs seemed to take like eternity to finish.climb and descend sideways, straightup-i did just about everything just to get through.

finally,as4 was in view but before that was a steep descent which required a rope.rapel down was more like it.no way i would go down without holding on to the rope for dear life.with my butt leading the way and my face kissing the mountain side,i slowly made my way down. and as4 was were i finally got hold of my dropbag.i chose to unload my sandals which i did not use anymore and some stuff i really did not have any use for.i refilled my bottles with my gatorade supply and had some crackers again.this was km35 and around 2pm.the sun was well way up burning my neck.

we finally made it to civilization on the road leading to sacobia bridge.still,this portion was a challenge with another seemingly endless uphill trek.before the bridge ,i took a left turn towards another trail that would lead me all the way to the riverbed once again and onto that mp station that read 8.9k to base.but the tnf  map indicated 45k so it should have been 5k to base.which is which?

i looked at my watch.it was 4pm.at the rate i was going,i reckoned to reach base at 6pm.i did my math and if things would go as it was,i would be left with 16 hours to complete the 2nd 50.borderline finish if ever.

here, the thought of stopping at km50 entered my mind seriously.then,somebody whispered  to me-”let’s just drink the night away and sleep…”i tried to laugh it off but in true adam fashion,i succumbed to eve’s temptation.well,not yet really.i still wanted to do it-run.but my defenses seemed to crumble down in the face of this onslaught of a temptation.i seemed helpless in dealing with the urge.i was like a damsel in distress being pursued by a knight in shining armor or shall i say, the bearer of bad news? it seemed like an itch i couldn’t do away with a simple scratch.

then,it started to rain like the end of the world.it rained like crazy and so hard visibility was almost zero.the winds were so powerful that the rains were not falling down vertically but horizontally! here,i started to run again having been invigorated by the relief 0f the rain.however,the thought to stop altogether kept ringing in my head all the more.if i had a hard time doing the climbs in relatively dry conditions and daytime earlier,how much more difficult would it be during night time and in wet/muddy conditions?

i reached base camp at km50 at 5:07pm and logged in.that meant that i was running 13hours and 7 minutes for the 1st 50k.i had 17 hours to spare for the next 50k.i was over by 1:07h by my own target time of 12h halfway.

then i saw what happend to the start/finish area.a freak weather just like what i encountered the last 8k happened here as well.everything was in shambles including rio’s afro.then he told me that the race was on hold.the runners ahead were instructed to stay put at the different mp’s as rio’s team would assess the river/trail conditions.

that was the clincher and put the final nail on my decision so to speak.i found it difficult not knowing when to be called back.the long wait would surely make me stiff and tight.so i sat on the ground,removed my shoes and ate my mcdonald’s lunch.i made my decision to stop altogether.my 1st dnf.

later on,run resumed at 7:30pm long after a few solo runners chose to go home instead.somehow,i felt that an undeserved(not credited to the 30-hour limit) 2.5 hour rest for me would not make me feel good about completing the ultramarathon in a “purist” sense.i wanted an ultramarathon with respites yes, but with time running.that way,i would be sort of pressured into running(or walking) a little faster just to make it to the cutoff.still a number of solo and relay runners pursued the 2nd loop but with a modification that had a 20k road run instead of  just 10k as originally announced.i guess that took a little fun out of the trail.

i shoved my stuff in my car,headed for my hotel,took a shower and had dinner then after sharing a few stories between shots of johnny walker with my friends,hit the sack and slept soundly,aching body and all.how i wish i would get such a quality sleep before a big race like tnf.

at 6am,i woke up to isko’s message about the race resumption.then all seemed to start sinking in.i was a loser this time.yes,i did 50 but what good is that?i signed up for a hundred and i should have done the hundred no less.this is supposed to be hundred trail run for crying out loud.but i had no one to curse or get angry with but myself and myself alone.i had only myself to blame.

i did not have the appetite to have breakfast and even if i ate,it did not do me any good.i felt worse when i saw my fellow runners getting their finisher’s plate.deep inside,i knew that i was better than just 50k.

in hindsight,the absence of my will and my lack of mental toughness did me in.i totally forgot the lessons and mental preparations i had for my bataan ultra.i was adam (eating the apple) personified.

“i felt awful.the list of those i’d disappointed was long.not only did i let down those who supported me along the way…had i let myself down?the pain ran much deeper than that.i wasn’t even much worthy of consideration.i didn’t matter…my honor was shattered…and i eased up on myself.yes,i had failed-but i had been an spectacular failure,gloriously disintegrating every aspect of my body…”.-dean k.

i wouldn’t have traded all the pain i would have gotten had i only completed my 100.but as they say,you win some.you lose some.i just hope to come out of this failure a better runner so to speak.

this was a good hurt,physically,mentally and emotionally.i surely have learned my lesson the hard way.

i should have sang ” ain’t no mountain high enough,ain’t no river wide enough to keep me away…” to keep my sanity intact.maybe,i could have done it better.

“boy,did i know defeat.there was really no defeat more devastating than running oneself onto the ground short of the finish line….it was pure,unadulterated defeat.but what i came to realize on the drive home was that i’d loved every second of it.”.-dean k.

i was pounded into submission.i felt like hatton,barrera,marquez and worst,dela hoya-combined.

1st river crossing and changing to sandals

mp at a river crossing

 

 

 

I’LL BE BACK.